Sunday, 10 October 2010

The week after the op

I woke in my room at 12 i know it was 12 as that is what was writen in my notes, I remember waking in the recovery room but it was very unclear it was such a large room and very clinical looking . I remember the Nurse stood to my Left saying "Hi Emma its all over " i drifted in and out of sleep for a while i did ask the time " it's 11: 20 Emma" so i had been out for just about 3 hours wow three hours to change my life for ever.

Back in my room there were nurses and health care staff in and out most of the day had a few phone calls allthough they refused to put calls through to me as the staff Protect you for the day of your surgary , No Visitors untill about Tea time that afternoon. I found this very good as you dont really come round untill about then ( well i didnt ).

I did have a very light "tea" on the tuesday it was a sort of very watery soup with a posh name looked like Beef stock . and was a bit salty for me but was the best thing ever having not eaten for almost 24 hours .

Had a bit of a restless sleep but it doesnt help with being woken up every hour to have your Blood Presure and blood suger taken every hour .

Robyn called this evening was really nice to see her ,

Wednesday 14th July 2010

Woken up at 05:00 breakfast was a cup of tea with no milk ( part of the Low residue diet thing)

this was to continue for the rest of the day as i am diabetic i was to be back on my Normal diet from day 2 wow i carnt wait.

Mr Thomas called in to check i was ok and looked at the T bandage it was ok but needed ctightening so got the nurses to do it later that morning even though he had pulled it tight it needed changing so they did it felt as though they were going to Pull my B**** through the top of my head ( well if i had any )

It was at this time i did wonder if MR T had done the op so i asked the nurse ..... " Emma i can assure you IT has gone !!! "

so what happend on wednesday NOTHING apart from the Nurses and health care staff calling in Emma "just need to check your bandage" one thing i will say here is if you are a bit shy at all learn now and leave you Dignaty at the door of the Hospital even better At home .

so they move all your covers bend your legs carfully all with help from the staff and them lift you Bum like in a crab sort of move so they can see under neath yo and make sure your not bleeding , Non was ever found under me at all not to say i havent lost a bit since

Dinner time was the thin soup again of which there were 2 types

Beef consume


veg consume

both brown and both taste very much the same if im Honnest this time i did have lemmon and Ginger Tea which i do like more so than Black plain tea ( but i did get a liking for it )

4 more Bandage exams throught the after noon and that was the most exciting part of my day

and more Beef soup for tea again

Had visits from Susan and Jane today Jane is as bad as ever ,.....

Met Ella today she was to become a nice friend she had give up her op date ont the 13th for one on the 15th for me due to my health she is such a nice lady as i was to find out later in the week

Thursday 15th July 2010

woke at 5 carn't really say woke as i didnt really sleep that well today is op +2 so it was the day i start my Normal diet Not a rgular thing but as im diabetic i was to get eating properly asap to get me off the Insulin Sliding scale and drip i was on (so dont exspect the smae if you go to Brighton)

so Breakfast was Rice Krispies with milk and Tea with Milk and a Muller yogurt wow what a fab brekki after the last few days 8 am is breakfast time so had a few hours just thinking about what i had done it then it really hit me " WOW i am really finished " " what am i going to do with the rest of my life " " what do i have to focus on now ?"

after brekfast its more bandage exams

Had a visit from Robyn today Gosh she is sneeky she went all the way to London and brought a friend to see me this must have been hard for her as he is her ex Bfirend and i think she still hurts from the split Joe just walked in the room and stood ny my bed ,,,,,,, WOW i thought who is this strange man OMG its J wow i was so shocked , they stayed about 3 hours

Friday 16th July 2010 op + 3

Not much happend on friday more Bandage exams drinkinh tea and eating

then OMG im allowed out of bed for the first time 30 Mins am and 30 mins pm that was very uncomfy no real pain as i havent hed any through out the whole Proceses

it did feel very odd sitting i mean there is the T Bandage and the op think about it ....

Saturday 17th July 2010

Big day to day Pack out day and T bandage removal but when would this be ..... i was soon to find out

as Mr Thomas came in about 7:45 " and how ar we today ?" " Im very well " ok lets remove this bandage so covers off and a pair of sissors after 10 mins trying to untie it ,,

Then after all the cotten wool was cleard away the pack was to come out thought i would be warned But no it was so quick i didnt get chance to feel it tickle Then OMG this i was not ready for the 30 cm Dilator was coverd in Luve and ............... You got it stright into my New Lady Bits OMG i was not ready for that i just led on the bed and thought of england ........ what else is a girl to do here i was less than 4 days old and impailed on a 30cm dilator wow

so after 10 mins i was free again i was cleaned up by the nurses and allowed my rice krispies

then paper Knickers and my first sanitary towel lol get use to them for a weeks or so

nice easy day and i could get up and walk so i visited Ella a few times im sure i annoyed her a little

Sunday 18th July 2010 op + 5

D I L A T I N G D A Y !!!!

well its here the dredded dilating day 8 am liz came in brought the stents and a load of other interesting looking stuff

I had breakfast and then it was been shown how todilate time

had to prep every thing

towl on the bed

Kitchen roll in sheets for cleaning up

Aqua jell or Ky Jelly

and your new best friends

i will leave it there for now if any one would like me to go intoit please say so .....

The Next few weeks

I have in the past few weeks been rushing about like a mad thing trying to get myself ready for the Visit to Brighton. Ive been given a list of things they recomend to take in with you, So its trip to Primark to get some T shirts for sleeping in  Night dresses not recomended as they ride up and can cause problems.

Loads of Panty liners Wow never thought i would have to buy these but good feeling .... lol
16th of June i decide to go to Brighton to visit a friend i made on the net  she is from Aberdeen
so i set off at 8am and drove to my friends who lives in the area and then on to Brighton were Sammi was due for her op this had been put off due to a medical problem so the wednesday was op day  we saw her about 1 and  stayed till she was called for by the porter.

We went back to my friends were she packed i said what are you doing " well i decided to come home with you and look after you untill your op " wow what a fantastic lady  she took 4 weeks out of her life to come home with me .

So we had 4 weeks of getting my house ready for me post op tidying getting rid of Junk buying stuff for after the op like filling the fridge/frezer and cupbords etc .

Then on the 10th of July i did Sparkle ( were i was a stewardess)  we went in to Manchester were my friend Kerry paid for us all to have our nails  done BUT it was pointed out my op was in 3 days and would have to have my new nails removed so it was decided i would sit out this adventure so i did Boo Hoo

The sunday 11th we packed up and set of south to my friends house near Portsmouth stopped over night leaving my suitcase there for afterwards as i was to stay a week or so before we attempted the 250 mile drive back North.

Monday morning  i was to be in Brighton  Nuffield Hospital by 11am  we set off a little late  and got there by 11:20 am  it was so organised once checked in i was taken to my room (14 on the 2nd floor ) and with in 20 mins the Drs were there to take Blood for type matching and things  ( i had had my pre op over the  phone and all the MRSA test at my doctors  so all that had been done )  i then unpacked and settled  down for the afternoon  people poping in and out all day.

My Friend R set my laptop up with the Nuffield WiFi wow that was so good and such a help in the week to come, I was allowed my Tea which was a Low Res diet and was Chicken and mash with carrots  and Black tea which i came to like over the next day or so ,

My friend went about 7 and i settled down to watch some telly ..... I was never tempted to have a TS last stand  which i had been told was a tranidion i wasnt going to partake in  thanks but no thanks !

The following morning i woke about 5am  and just looked out of the window for a while  not sure how long iwas there but the nurses came in at 6am  when Liz said 2 all ready?" Yup i was so had to lie on my side while the Enima was administerd  Not as bad as i had imagined  UNTILL it took effect  i was told to keep it in as long as poss 5 mins was requested i did manage 9 whole minuets  OMG did i have to rush to the loo..... 10 mins later i was ok ish again so i had a quick shower washed my hair afterall i wasnt going to be out of bed for the next 5 days .

Sat in bed in my gown till about 8 when Mr Thomas came in about 10 past 8  i then signed the consent form  and Mr Thomas said " ok Emma see you in the thearter in 10 mins "

I had thought a theatre trolly would come but no  I was wheeled on MY BED to the theatre and in there had to confirm my name  etc they checked my wrist band  and then the 2 canulurs wer eput in one in each hand ,.

One for my diabetis care the other for the drugs needed
1 for antibiotics
2 carnt remember  which stung a bit
3 the one that would knock me out  this stung a bit more than the last one but was told " it will sting but not for long as this one puts you tosleep" " just breath normaly " i counted to 2 and thats the last i remember!


Saturday, 9 October 2010

Following a bit of news


I am so sorry it has been so long since my last post  well a lot has happend  i went to see  MR Thomas in march and was accsepted for surgary after i have had some laser hair removal on my Nether region  OMG  but hey its no big deal it didnt even hurt  i think i have become so detached from that partof my body i just dont accespt its there any more .

So i have 3 sessions of laser on the Yukki bits and at the 3rd session after 4 weeks no hair regrowth so the clinic declaire my bits hair free .

I rang the wonderfull LIZ and got a choice of dates the 15th of july or the 5th of August for my OP yes i did say MY OP !

I picked the 15th of July so if the slot in the theatre can be booked its mine .... But she rang back 2 days later  the date had to be changed  to the 13th wow even better if they can get hold of the lady having he op on the 13th and change it for her. they wonted me to have an op in the morning and  so there was a full medical staff team in the hospital because of my diabetis .

3 days go by and another call .............................. ITS ON  MY OP IS SET FOR THE 13TH OF JULY 2010 AT 08:30 AM  ................. O M G  I AM ONE HAPPY  GIRL !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Monday, 12 July 2010

Tuesday 13 July 2010


Woke up at 04:45 nurse cam in to wake me at 6 .... Was still awake . then the Fun Bit  Fleet  the emima  oh what a funny  feeling that was  tryed to hold in as long as i could  i managed 9 Mins  then Rush to the loo  OMG then quick shower.

Put on surgical gown  and sat here typing this Blog waiting for the Surgeon to visit  my hand is shaking a little but im not scaired at all will see you all on the other side .

Oh yea the telly in my room doesnt work too well

monday 12th july 2010

Got up today at 8 had to go to the Doctor to get  some medication i left at home  oh silly me
got to Brighton at about 12:30 no sooner thani got hre did i have a blood test  then came lunch  a plain omlet very nice too

people coming and going througout the afternoon  met a lovley girl called Andi 3  rooms  along the coridor  had her op last thursday looking very well and so HAPPY.

had chicken mash and carortts for my last meal watched pirates of the carobean  not bad huh  sleep at about 11
spoke to my sisters  Susan Sammi Kezz And yoyo

had 8 MSN windows open at one point wow didnt know i knem so many people ... Thanks every one for careing

tuesday to come

Sunday, 11 July 2010

The Start of the End ! Sunday 11th July 2010

Today i Left my Home as i am for the last time (hopefully)  i got up at 5 45  having gone to bed at about 3am  i really can not sleep  why? well i wonder today sunday i am leaving home to travel to Brighton om monday to start the rest of my life .

As a Trans woman  this is going to be the most important journey of my life the one that takes me to the Hospital were i will become the person i KNOW i have been all my life.

How do i explain this to some one who isnt a Trans person ..... well i carnt  i can not find  words that explain to any one who has not been through this horrid type of life it really is so difficult . Just like saying good buy to may baby daughter this morning ...... we ll i say baby  shes 15 but to me  shes still the 4lb baby i help in my arms 15 years ago . she understands me and is a sort of soul mate (not in a bad way ) we understand each other so well . i dont need to explain to her how i feel  and  that makes it hard to explain to you  the reader .

I am not at all nervous of the op its self  but i am S***t scaired  the op coul dbe cancled  does that sound daft ?

You see it was cancled  last December 09 when i saw a sergeon in Leicester and one on the trans path will know who i mean .......... Hmmmmm

its taken me 9 years to get here oh and a 5 hour drive from the North of thr UK . will be here for one night  and then into Hospital tommorow  for mid day from then on the day is a mistery to me but i will let you know  what happens .. it shouldnt be as i did get a full list of thing that happen from day to day but i missed placed it so ......... it will all be a supprise

so today we left west yourkshire about 12 30  and called on my friend and partner in Rotherham stayed an hour or so  and set off on the 250 mile trip to Hampshire  we called in Harpenden to see another  internet friend  as well had a cuppa   we got to hampshire after 2 quite bad car crashes on the M1 one of them we had to do over 20 miles at an average speed of 8 MPH  oh boy what a mess  the car was in ,,,,

so tommorow i need to call at my friends Doctor as i have forgotne my insulin stuff i took it out of my bag put it on the bed and my daughter thinking she was helping loaded my case in to the car with out my insulin and needles  got enough for today but not for the 2 to 3 weeks im to be here

so that will be the start of mondays blog

Friday, 2 April 2010

Bit of uptodate news

Well i have sacked Mr Terry as my sergon of choice, Having had my srs op cancled twice i have done loads of work to get the sergon changed .
I went to the Gender clinic and asked if it would be poss to go and see a different one they did think it was going to be posiable to do so .... well they umd and arrrd saying it would probably take mths to get it sorted out  so the following monday i decided to find out for myself .

I rang the PCT and spoke to a really nice lady who said she would look into it for me,She rang me back the following day saying she was looking at the files and would ring me on friday , She didnt ring on the friday so i left a message for her and got a call the following monday saying" The gender clinic will be ringing you today with some good news" i tryed to get her to tell me but No ....

I rang the clinic to see if i could get to know what the News was ... but my Nurse was in with a client ,,,,, oh dear  i was then in the Laser clinic for my face zaped ,, when my phone went  the clinic ,,, the news was that my funding would cover me to go to a different surgon ,,,,,,,,,,, YES and this time it will be in a private Hospital in Brighton with Mr Thomas ,,, what a result so when some tells you it will take Mths have a go your self it might be worth it ..... so i now have an appointment with Mr Thomas in Brighton on the 13th of April at 19:15  will let you know the result as soon as i can .

Monday, 25 January 2010

part 5

At about the age of 12 to 13 my mum left my dad and we had snow you may be asking what snow has to do with any thing with me and my odd life well my dad use to work shifts and had gone to work one day to find it snowed which were he worked ment he was snowed in and couldnt get home so there was me and my brother all alone this was to be a fab week for me as we also got the time off school we did have a ladt across the road who fed us and looked after us we went over the road for meals etc but slept at home

so i could wear what ever i liked and did i wore my night dress all week well it seamed like a week was more like 4 days it was probabley one of the best weeks of my life so far also i could dress during the day as most of the day my brother would be out in the ever deepening snow it was a sad day when they managed to get the snow blower up to the T.V Station were he worked
And Oh my did he smell when he came back im sure they had showers up there i know they had a Nucular fall out bunker ive been in it .... some might say i should have stayed in there

Saturday, 2 January 2010

When i got to the third year of hi school i had my one and only "fight" a so called friend decided i needed Toughening up and decided to punch me in the face on the was home, I just stood and cryed ... well girls do ... a friend will call him Tim asked what was wrong after telling him he ran up to the agresser and punched him squire on the chin this helped me but not for long the following few days were hell. All i had was threats and such like untill one day in a wood work class after so many " im going to get you after school " and such i fliped i grabed him by the neck and pushed his head down the back of one of the old school radiators " I told him to just leave me alone "
He tryed to get up a few times and by the time i did let him up he had some really nice red markes were the radiator was next to him he walked away and at the end of the lesson came eup to me saying " I really dont know why you pretend to be so soft you could beat any one in this school and be the cock of the school" to which i replyed "That is the whole point i dont wont to i just wont to get through this horrid time of my life and get out the other end un hurt " i had no other problems with him again in fack t we became good friends again .

It was this year i found out what a Transexuall is and that in fact i was one of this small band of special people the B.B.C Did a documentry on this subject a guy called George who they filmed on his jurney to becoming Julia Grant i watched this program every week as soon as i sarted watching it i knew just what i had been suffering from and Oh my did it panic me " I will have to go through all this crap this poor woman is going through "

One episode i remember vividly was one were george went into a dress shop and was looking round when the assistant asked if she could help him " yes i would like to try this dress on please " then went on to explain why he wonted to try it on the shop owner was so helpfull giving help and advice .

I was doing Social Studys in school and the topic of conversation was all about this program the girls in the class were so in ore of George for asking for a dress they seamed to be saying they would love to know someone like this and there i was sat there thinking should i tell them i felt the same as George ,,,,,,, NO WAY i think i would have just had the pee taken out of me i knew them too well.

One othr episode that reall shook me up was one were Julia had to visit her Phyciatrist
when Julia turned up at the appointment in Trousers of all things well he hit the roof as i think he thought all women and trans women even more so should wear dresses or skirts all the time
wow was this bloke a total asre i just thought i hope i never meet any one like him if i go through all this to be myself .

Julia then paid for Breat Augmentation to which her Phyciatrist told her he would no longer treat her as she dare to go over his head and have work done that he didnt agree with .
i felt this program was my life in years to come .

Friday, 1 January 2010

I started high school in 1976 September from day one i hated it i felt as though i was just wrong i did all the wrong classes like i did wood work and metal work when i felt i should be in cookery or needle work why was i made to do these things i was not meant to do, Then there was Hell on Earth, P.E who invented this touchier as i felt like a girl in side myself why was i being made to undress and change then at the end of the session SHOWER naked with BOYS.

I Just hated school for the first year the second one wasn't as bad as i was allowed to go home for lunch this gave some relief from the Hell that was school . were boys were always fighting to see who could be the "cock " of the school or in other words who was the most Violante.

At home for the 45 minuets i had for my lunch once i had used 10 minuets to get home I first put on my soup to cook (well heat up ) i would shut all the curtains down stairs i could then get changed sort of i would wear a skirt as i didn't have a full female wardrobe as i would have liked,
some times i would keep on an under slip or under skirt to go back to school as i really did not wont to change back . so soup eaten and telly watched the addverts in the middle of " Take the High Road" would play so its time to return to hiding in a male clothes again, some times I would miss judge the time this would be the time my school friend Mark would call for me to walk back to school Oh heck did he see me run up stairs to change out of my skirt ?

well he never said any thing for the whole five years i knew him he was either oblivious to my true self or just a good friend ? who knows as i lost touch with him when we left school only seeing each other once or twice in the few years folowing high school .

I return to the P.E Lessons for a short tale i remember one P.E Lesson were a boy lets call him Peter ((not his real name) all other names have been changed ) he came in to the changing room and told Mr Smith the teacher " Sir I have forgotten my kit " "Well just wait here a moment " and he left the room the towel wiping then started on his return Mr Smith Produced a replacement PE Kit for Peter ' A Gym Skirt and Top ' from the girls gym teacher I really really wanted to be in His shoes right now , I dreampted about this situation but with me in peters place for many years .

At the end of my second year at high school my mum and dad separated we then had six weeks of snow as though the world was telling them to stay apart . It was a good time for me in one way as my mum could not take all her clothes with her in a case so i had things to wear for a short time before they were moved to were my mum lived with her mum n dad , i did keep a dress a green one with a pleated skirt i kept that dress for a good few years .

By this time i had built up quite a wardrobe of things some bought some acquired one of our neighbours must have seen me dressed at some point as she offerd to wash my "wardrobe" if i needed help in that area . i never didi take her up on this offer as i would put my clothes in the washer whae i knew my dad was at work late or on nights. this worked very well untill he got a new woman .